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MONTPELIER, VT – After spending months mourning the premature loss of the Penix he insisted was "perfectly sized" for his lineup, manager Gary stunned the league Tuesday by finally attempting to fill that gaping void with a fragile Hawaiian model.
In a transaction that has shifted the balance of power significantly enough to trigger the formation of an official Montpelier sub-committee, the Fly Eagles Fly franchise sent superstar Joe Burrow to the league-leading Leigh’s Team (10-1). In return, Gary received Miami quarterback Tua Tagovailoa and a 2026 1st Round Pick.
The trade marks the end of a controversial era for the Fly Eagles Fly franchise, which began the season with the manager’s highly publicized "Penix-First" strategy. That strategy collapsed mid-November when rookie quarterback Michael Penix Jr. suffered a season-ending knee injury, leaving the manager with a broken Penix and a profound sense of inadequacy.
"Look, having a Penix was great while it lasted," Gary told reporters from the driveway of his home, wearing a stained kelly green jersey. "But it wasn't functional. I wasn’t playing with it. I actually dropped it before it broke. Then Leigh picked it up and dropped it. I needed a change."
Critics have noted that trading a top-tier asset like Burrow for Tagovailoa—a quarterback widely viewed as "a competent game manager who is one bad sack away from forgetting the alphabet"—is a disastrous move for a team already plummeting to the bottom of the standings.
"Typical Eagles fan behavior," scoffed the manager of Remember Myron Guyton. "They are notoriously toxic, irrational, and obsessed with mediocre quarterbacks. I heard Gary booed his own toaster this morning because the bagel wasn't crispy enough."
"I’m honestly surprised," noted rival manager Professor McCorndicks, shaking his head in disbelief. "Usually, Eagles fans are too busy during dog fighting season to make a trade happen."
Meanwhile, Leigh, the Shower-Drafting Savant, now sits at 10-1 with Joe Burrow added to his arsenal, creating a juggernaut that has terrified the rest of the league.
Gundlers Institute Calls for Emergency "Redistricting"
The trade has triggered a panicked response from the Gundlers Institute for Chronological Studies (GICSSE). Fearing that Leigh’s "Super Team" poses an existential threat to the Grundlers’ potential "Quadrepeat," the Institute has released a 400-page white paper calling for the immediate dissolution of the 12-team league structure.
"The current 12-person model is simply not Vermont-scaled," the Grundlers manager argued, pointing to a chart that was just a drawing of himself holding a trophy. "It creates unfair consolidations of power. To preserve local control and 'equity of outcome'—specifically my outcome—we must redistrict immediately."
The Institute’s proposal, titled Act 69: The Preservation of Dynastic Integrity, calls for the league to be fractured into:
One (1) Four-Person League: Containing the heavy hitters.
Three (3) Two-Person Leagues: For mid-tier banter.
Two (2) One-Person Leagues: Specifically for Gary and the Punters, so they can "find themselves."
Brad, manager of A Love Supreme and the league’s resident actuary, conducted an independent audit of the proposal.
"I've crunched the numbers," Brad said, gesturing to a spreadsheet labeled ‘Tax Increment Financing shit-show’. "The administrative overhead for this 'micro-district' model would be roughly $28,000 per player, per season. To be fair, 90% of that is the mandatory Mad Taco catering budget for six separate draft parties. It is fiscally insane. However, it does offer 'local control,' so... I'm torn."
The Curse of the Patucos Shifts Targets
While the league debates administrative restructuring, the supernatural landscape has shifted dramatically. The manager of the Punters, previously the victim of a six-week hex from the Spanish grandmother "Gagi," has reportedly been absolved.
"Gagi now understands that 'going down' is an idiom," the Rusty Hambones manager, Aly, confirmed. "In fact, she loves it. She told the mailman he was 'going down' if he brought bills. She told the cashier at Shaw's the price of eggs needs to 'go down' or she will 'go down' on the manager. I’m proud of her, she sounds more like me everyday."
However, the curse has not vanished; it has merely found new targets. Upon hearing of Gary’s trade, Gagi reportedly became incensed, misinterpreting the news that "Gary got rid of his Penix."
"Ay, Diós mío," Gagi whispered, crossing herself with a knitting needle. "A man who takes off his pene? To trade it? This is against nature. He is cursed. His tostadas will always burn."
Simultaneously, Leigh’s Team has also fallen under a blanket hex.
"I asked Gagi if she could curse Leigh for making the league unfair," Aly explained. "She asked where he lives. I said 'Connecticut.' She spit on the floor and said, 'Everyone in Connecticut is already cursed. They have no soul.'"
When reached for comment on the chaos—the trade, the proposed redistricting, and the multi-state cursing—the Commissioning White Knucklers offered a rare, tender sentiment.
"Look, guys," the Commissioner said, "We're all different. Some of us want to redistrict the league to manipulate the standings. Some of us want to trade for fragile quarterbacks. Some of us live in Connecticut. I accept everyone for who they are. Even Eagles fans. I just want people to have fun. But please, stop emailing me."
As of press time, Gary was seen in his yard, throwing D-cell batteries at a squirrel—a solemn Eagles fan tradition—while Leigh was reportedly finalizing the permit applications for his championship parade route, blissfully unaware that the Curse of the Patucos has already sealed his fate for a catastrophic Week 1 playoff loss.
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