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MONTPELIER, VT – The six-week, season-ending collapse of the Montpelier Punters, widely dismissed as a historic run of Canadian managerial ineptitude, has been reclassified as the result of a targeted, supernatural hex, sources confirmed Tuesday.
The revelation came to light after the Punters manager, now on a six-game losing streak, finally confronted Rusty Hambones manager Aly, demanding to know what "dark forces" she had employed to ruin his season.
"It... it wasn't me," the Hambones manager admitted. "It was Gagi.”
The "Curse of the Patucos," as it is now being called, occurred six weeks ago in the manager's driveway. The Punters manager, then a hopeful contender, was leaving as Aly’s grandmother, “Gagi,” was arriving. They exchanged pleasantries, after which the Punters manager waved back at Aly and shouted, "Hambones are going down this week!"
The remark was immediately interpreted by Gagi as a vile, public sexual overture.
"This man... he say this to you? That you are 'going down'?" Gagi was later heard demanding of her granddaughter. "Ay, Diós mío! In my village, a man say this, he gets the pala to the face. What kind of sinvergüenza person is this?"
The matriarch was reportedly most offended by her own prior generosity. "I cannot believe I make this man patucos! With the good yarn!" Gagi fumed. "I knit these lovely slippers for a man who would say... this thing... to my nieta? He is a monster."
Sources at a subsequent dinner confirm the Grundlers manager attempted to intervene. "Gagi I don't believe that was his intended meaning," he allegedly explained. "It's a common colloquialism." His comment was reportedly ignored.
What followed was not a single, dramatic event, but a six-week plague of surreal, systematic destruction for the Punters. The curse, apparently tied to the gifted slippers, has unfolded with devastating precision.
The roster was decimated by a wave of inexplicable ailments:
Malik Nabers (ACL)
Lamar Jackson (Hamstring)
Brock Purdy (Toe)
Omarion Hampton (Ankle)
Nico Collins (Hamstring)
Garret Wilson (Groin)
Evan Engram (Groin)
Younghoe Koo (Groin)
Even the entire San Francisco 49ers Defense was simultaneously afflicted, save for the not-good players: linebacker Luke Gifford and cornerback Chase Lucas.
"Lady, I’m still on my rookie contract," a distraught Malik Nabers said by phone. "Nobody even touched me and my ACL just... it evaporated. My agent says it's 'medically impossible.' This is devastating professionally, financially, and spiritually. Please, undo this. I'll give you my entire signing bonus. Is $6 million dollars enough?"
Lamar Jackson offered a similar, bewildered account. "One minute I'm fine, the next my hamstring feels like it was... cursed? I don't know how else to describe it. It's not a football injury. It feels... personal."
Perhaps most bizarrely, running back Tony Pollard reported no physical ailment but was downgraded to "Out" after informing coaches he "just can't be bothered to try hard anymore," a condition the team has officially listed as "Ben-Simmons-level-malaise."
Gagi, for her part, remains unmoved. "I have not used powers like this since 1977, when I put a 'hex' on Antony Alda for... not washing his hands before dinner."
Aly clarified, "Gagi, that wasn't a 'hex.' You stole his BetaMax, his cello, and his catalytic converter. That's just called robbery."
"He learned his lesson," Gagi reportedly muttered.
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In other news, the manager of Leigh's Team, Leigh, has begun preemptively offering future considerations for trades, including 2026 and 2027 draft picks, while insisting he "definitely" will be in the league next year. Sources confirm his latest offer to the Revolutionaries included a 4th-round pick, $20 Aubuchon’s gift card, and "full control of my vote as a Connecticut delegate to the DNC."
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