White House Task Force Reportedly Targeting Two Montpelier Men

MONTPELIER, VT – In what analysts are calling a shocking fall from grace, two of the league’s former champions, ‘Revolutionaries’ manager Richard Love and ‘Nuts Dot Com’ manager Jarred, find themselves locked in a grim battle for the league’s basement, both sporting a perfectly ignominious 0-5 record. While their paths to futility have been starkly different, both men are pointing their fingers at the same unlikely culprit for their gridiron woes: the Trump Administration.

For the manager of Nuts Dot Com, the crisis is one of scarcity—a scarcity of time. “Fantasy what? Oh, right. That thing,” he stated when reached for comment between screams into his phone about a delayed shipment of photovoltaic panels. “Look, the federal solar incentives are expiring. That’s a hard deadline. I’m working 90-hour weeks trying to get every last project installed before the end of the year.”

Meanwhile, across town, the Revolutionaries’ manager revealed his entire public persona has been a strategic lie.

“People see me post ‘Viva!’ or ‘Ay Caramba!’ and they think I am some simple, casual beach man. A revolutionary shouting slogans from the hills,” Love explained from a command center he has built in his den, surrounded by whiteboards covered in advanced metrics. “It’s a mask. A carefully crafted persona to disarm my opponents. In reality, this is a multi-faceted intelligence operation. My eldest son is in charge of analyzing AFC defensive snap counts. My youngest handles NFC kicker efficiency ratings. We have weekly PowerPoint presentations.” Love, who previously worked for the federal government empowering economically depressed rural communities, was terminated by DOGE several times, he now works as a ‘consultant’ and pulled his youngest out of the TW Wood aftershool program to spend more time on waiver wire strategy.

When reached for comment, the Trump administration did not shy away from its alleged role.

“The President saw what these two said about him on the message board last year. He doesn’t forget,” said Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. “He created a task force to make sure they lose. Total losers.”

A source inside the NFL, speaking on the condition of anonymity, confirmed the existence of a “Fantasy Football Integrity Task Force.” The source revealed that the task force’s chief, a man known only as Eddy Big Balls, has been making weekly calls to team owners with direct instructions targeting players on the Revolutionaries and Nuts Dot Com rosters. These reports have been corroborated by several players, including Terry McLaurin (WAS) and Chase Brown (CIN), who were both mysteriously benched in various games this season. Lame-stream media has not reported on these events, instead focusing on the collapsing economy, genocide, and the end of free speech in America.

The league’s highest office offered a weary perspective on the international incident. “Just set a legal lineup,” the Commissioning White Knucklers wrote in a terse statement.

The rest of the league has largely ignored the federal overreach, focusing instead on the far more consequential championship rematch between the Grundlers and the Rusty Hambones. The Hambones manager began the week with her typical posturing: “You gonna sit there and play with your little Flacco? Or is your Chubb on a ‘bye’ week? I can't believe I married such a pussy. Go ahead and bring your Tua T. and K. Hunt - I’m going to f*ck you with my Dicker, Drake, and…Croskey-Merritt.”

The Gundlers Institute for Chronological Studies and Sustained Excellence issued a formal response, calling the behavior “completely inappropriate, but also mildly arousing.”