"Please Don't Tell Joan": Manager's Faustian Bargain with Sun God Results in First Place, Profound Spiritual Crisis

MONTPELIER, VT – In a league still reeling from the rise of the "Penix-First" philosophy and the quiet dominance of a shower-based despot, a new and far more ancient power has emerged. The manager of ‘Remember Myron Guyton’, previously a respected voice of old-fashioned decorum, now sits alone in first place thanks to a decisive Week 2 victory over Brady's Balls. The source of his success, however, was not sound strategy, but a spiritually questionable appeal to a pre-Christian deity.

The events unfolded late Sunday afternoon. With his matchup hanging in the balance, the manager posted a stunning declaration to the league message board: he was "praying to the sun god." Shortly thereafter, his star receiver, Amon-Ra St. Brown—whose name is a direct homage to the Egyptian God of the Sun—delivered a miraculous 36.7 points, single-handedly securing the victory.

But the celebration was short-lived. The manager's initial triumphant posts have since been deleted, replaced by a series of frantic, pleading messages riddled with guilt and paranoia.

"It was a moment of weakness! I saw the matchup was close, and the name... it was just right there! I never thought it would actually work," he wrote in a frantic 3 AM direct message to the commissioner. "I feel a profound sense of spiritual unease... and a little bit of awe, if I'm being honest. My soul feels tainted."

His primary fear, however, appears to be less about eternal damnation and more about domestic strife.

"But seriously, none of you can tell my wife, Joan. Ever," he later posted on the main board, a message that has since been screenshotted by the entire league. "She's the fucking minister at the Unitarian Universalist church, for Christ's sake! She just gave a sermon on the beauty of finding the divine in all traditions, but I have a strong, strong feeling this doesn't count. Please, I'm begging you. This cannot get out."

The rest of the league responded to the manager's spiritual crisis with a chaotic mix of jealousy and confusion. The immediate victim, the manager of Brady's Balls, was beside himself. "He made a deal with an actual Egyptian god. What am I supposed to do? Pray to the chipmunk god so Alvin Kamara has a big game?" Adding to the discourse, the manager of the Revolutionaries offered a simple, two-word analysis: "Ay Caramba!"

Meanwhile, the manager of the Rusty Hambones seemed completely unfazed by the theological debate, choosing to gloat about her own victory over Leigh’s Team. "Leigh thought he was so clever putting a Johnson in his tight-end. Ha!" she wrote. "Well, I put a Dicker in for Kicker and kicked jabroni’s butt! Say it with me, people: Dicka in fo' Kicka and kicked jabroni’s butt!"

The Gundlers Institute has, of course, weighed in. "We are deeply concerned with the ethical implications of sourcing fantasy points from unsanctioned ancient deities," a statement read. "This threatens the very fabric of our league's spiritual neutrality."

But the final, and perhaps most chilling, word came from the league's highest office. The Commissioning White Knucklers, when asked for his official ruling on the matter, simply replied: "It's fine."

As he sits atop the league standings, the manager of 'Remember Myron Guyton' is left to wonder if a fantasy championship is worth an eternity in the Egyptian underworld, or worse, Joan finding out.