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MONTPELIER, VT – The Department of Public Works issued a severe travel advisory for the capital city Tuesday, warning that road conditions may become "apocalyptic" after the city’s entire winter salt budget was inexplicably cleaned out.
The funds were reportedly commandeered by the Chair of the Montpelier Commission on Community Resilience (MCCR)—better known as the manager of the Rusty Hambones—who has designated her semi-final playoff run a "Critical Infrastructure Project".
"We are facing a vibes-based recession," the Chairwoman stated during an emergency City Hall meeting, slamming a gavel she brought from home. "If the Hambones do not defeat the Myron Guyton franchise, the collective mental health of this valley will collapse. I have therefore reallocated the sodium budget to hire a team of 'roster fluidity consultants.' If you slip on the ice, just know it was for the greater good of defeating a man with a belly button tattoo."
The diversion of municipal resources has already had consequences. Early Tuesday morning, a city plow—unable to find traction on the unsalted pavement of Town Hill Road—slid off the tarmac and decimated a fortified spent battery receptacle. The structure had been illegally erected by Fly Eagles Fly manager Gary, who had been stockpiling D-cells for a "celebratory projectile launch" that will no longer happen.
With the pretenders vanquished, the Semi-Finals are set.
(3) Rusty Hambones vs. (8) Remember Myron Guyton
The "Upper Valley Touchhole Cousin" Showdown
In a matchup that is legally considered a domestic disturbance in three counties, the Rusty Hambones face the spiritual wreckage of Remember Myron Guyton.
Jared, the Myron Guyton manager, enters the round in the throes of a theological panic. After "praying to the Sun God" resulted in Amon-Ra St. Brown delivering him to the playoffs, Jared apparently decided to double down on the solar worship.
Witnesses at the Unitarian Universalist potluck report that Jared lifted his shirt to reveal a fresh, inflamed tattoo around his navel: a jagged sunburst reminiscent of Reggie Miller’s 1990s ink, but with the face of Trevor Lawrence—the "Sunshine" from Remember the Titans—in the center.
"It wasn't just Amon-Ra," Jared whispered frantically to a terrified congregate, clutching a plate of lukewarm quinoa. "I needed the power of all the suns. I channeled the energy of Sunshine Lawrence. Eleven touchdowns! It worked! But now... I feel dirty. Joan asked if the redness on my stomach was a rash from stress-eating spicy Doritos, and I had to lie. I had to tell her it was eczema."
Overwhelmed by the guilt of his pagan success, Jared has reportedly picked up the New Orleans Saints Defense as an act of penance, believing that "their holy name might balance the scales."
His opponent, however, has no such moral qualms.
The Hambones manager has spent the week waging psychological warfare, not against Jared, but against her potential Finals opponent—her husband, the Montpelier Grundlers.
"The Grundlers think they're destined for a rematch," Aly told reporters while supervising the unloading of "consultant" equipment at her home. "But let me be clear: The only thing the Grundlers will be beating this weekend is himself, off."
The statement, which the Gundlers Institute immediately flagged as "grammatically ambiguous and deeply hurtful", was followed by a tirade regarding a months-old domestic dispute.
"He wants to talk about 'dynasties'?" she continued. "Let's talk about the time his mother came to stay for two weeks and left raw chicken on the counter. Salmonella is the only dynasty that family understands.”
(2) White Knucklers vs. (4) Montpelier Grundlers
The "Quadrepeat" vs. The "Commish"
For the Montpelier Grundlers, the path to a "Three-Peat" (or "Quadrepeat," pending peer review ) runs through the League Commissioner.
The Grundlers manager has spent the week in his basement "Institute," running simulations that show him defeating his wife in the finals 100% of the time. "The narrative arc is undeniable," he wrote in a press release. "Man beats wife. It is the only outcome nature will allow."
But he is facing a White Knucklers franchise that has undergone a terrifying metamorphosis.
Gone is the exhausted Commissioner who sighed at sandwich assaults and quoted R.E.M. . In his place stands a man who has fully internalized the spirit of his quarterback, Jalen Hurts.
Sources say the Commissioner has been patrolling Montpelier in a Kelly Green hoodie, refusing to answer questions directly, choosing instead to speak in stoic, philosophical platitudes about "keeping the main thing the main thing."
"We are not worried about Institutes," the Commissioner stated, squatting 600 pounds of architectural plans in his Main St. office. "We are only worried about the standard. Rent is due every day. And I am here to collect."
When asked about the Grundlers' claims of "Temporal Elasticity" , the Commissioner simply shook his head.
"He’s talking about 'temporal elasticity.' I’m talking about leverage," the Commissioner said, his voice dropping to a gravelly whisper. "I’m going to get low. I’m going to put the entire weight of the League Constitution on my back. And I am going to Tush Push his dynasty into the dirt. It isn't science. It is mass times acceleration. And I have more of it."
League Dispatches Emergency Caulk to Connecticut
The League Office has authorized an emergency humanitarian aid package of three tubes of GE Advanced Silicone Kitchen & Bath Sealant to be shipped to Leigh's "Command Center," noting that while they cannot fix his playoff loss, they have a duty to ensure his tears do not damage the sub-flooring .
The Gundlers Institute, usually the league's primary source of alternate facts, offered a rare moment of professional courtesy regarding the manifesto.
"We usually respect a good delusion," the Institute noted in a formal statement. "But simply shouting that you won is academically void. Where are the charts? Where is the falsified data? Honestly, it’s lazy scholarship."
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