"Quadrepeat" Celebration Opens Interdimensional Rift; Champion's Wife Admits the Tentacles are "kind of doing it for her"

MONTPELIER, VT – The 2025 fantasy football season concluded late Sunday evening not with a handshake, but with a horrifying, geomagnetic event that has forced the Vermont National Guard to establish a perimeter around a split-level home off of Towne Hill Road.

The Montpelier Grundlers, managed by a man whose ego has long been suspected of having its own gravitational pull, officially defeated 'Remember Myron Guyton' to secure the league championship. The victory fulfills his prophecy of becoming a "Quadrepeater".

However, the celebration has taken a turn that epidemiological experts are describing as "distinctly Hawkins-esque."

Witnesses report that the moment the final points were tallied, the Grundlers’ manager did not simply cheer. Instead, he reportedly entered a trance state, his eyes rolling back into his head as he levitated three feet above his shag carpet, surrounded by a swirling vortex of ash and crumpled stat sheets.

The "Upside Down" of the Basement

For weeks, the champion has claimed his team was supported by the "groundbreaking research of the Gundlers Institute of Chronological Studies and Sustained Excellence (GICSSE)". Authorities now believe this "Institute," founded in his basement, was actually a front for a darker, interdimensional project.

"We thought the 'Dominance Transference Theory' was just a pretentious way of saying he got lucky on the waiver wire," said a trembling Commissioner Cliff, wiping a stream of blood from his left nostril. "But when he started talking about claiming 'spiritually-owned territories', we should have listened. He wasn't talking about roster spots. He was opening a gate."

The basement, previously described as a place for "academic review", is now pulsing with a red, fleshy light. 

The "GICSSE" staff, which the manager previously claimed to have "reassigned from his actual, bill-paying job", were found standing in a circle, motionless, murmuring the box score of the 1985 Chicago Bears in reverse Latin.

Jared Consumed by the Shadow

The victim of this supernatural onslaught, Jared, manager of 'Remember Myron Guyton,' was reportedly unable to mount a defense.

Earlier in the season, Jared had attempted to combat the league's darkness by "praying to the sun god," Amon-Ra St. Brown. But in the finals, the Sun God was eclipsed.

"I tried to set my lineup," Jared whispered from a triage tent set up in the old Allen Lumber parking lot, clutching a blanket. "But every time I looked at my phone, the screen just showed a grandfather clock ticking. And then... the vines. They took Amon-Ra. They took everything."

A "Pliable" Accomplice

Perhaps most disturbing is the reaction of the champion’s wife and fellow league manager of the Rusty Hambones.

Known for her aggressive pursuit of "young, pliable flesh" and her "visceral, academic devotion" to 1989 Patrick Swayze movies, Aly appears to have been corrupted by the Mind Flayer-like entity now occupying her husband’s body.

"People are afraid of the tentacles," Aly told reporters, her eyes blackened and void-like. "But honestly? It’s kind of doing it for me. The slime, the dominance, the way he just mentally flayed all these guys... it’s extremely erotic. I might go pick up a 'Younghoe' just to celebrate."

Local Response to the Rift

The rest of the league has responded to the interdimensional incursion with characteristic apathy and confusion.

Gary, manager of Fly Eagles Fly, attempted to close the portal by throwing D-cell batteries at it—a traditional Philadelphia defense mechanism—but fled when the entity threatened to "shatter his Penix". Meanwhile, Richard, manager of the Revolutionaries, observed the gaping hole in reality tearing through the Vermont sky and offered a solemn, "Ay Caramba!".

While the fabric of reality tore open in Montpelier, the manager of Leigh’s Team, Leigh —chose to address the crisis by emailing a 40-stanza poem alleging his playoff loss was due to "Jacksonville witchcraft" and poisoned smoothies - ignoring the literal monsters that entered his Connecticut home and brought him to another dimension.

The Gundlers Institute has issued one final report for the season, written in a substance that appears to be black sludge.

"The 'Quadrepeat' is not a title," the report reads. "It is a summoning. The gap years are over. We are all in the Upside Down now."

The Commissioner has fined the Grundlers $15 in future waiver wire credit for "opening a portal to hell," but admits enforcement will be difficult given the situation.