Montpelier Man Acquitted after Hurling Sandwich at Commissioner

MONTPELIER, VT – In a stunning legal victory that has rattled the very foundations of local fantasy football jurisprudence, Brad, manager of 'A Love Supreme,' was acquitted Thursday on misdemeanor assault charges. A Montpelier jury, after seven hours of deliberation, vindicated the prominent government CFO for what prosecutors had sensationally dubbed the "Felony Footlong" incident—a now-legendary act of sandwich-hurling defiance aimed squarely at the White Knuckling Commissioner Cliff.

The true source of Brad's rage was not political, but fantasy-based: Commissioner Cliff's draconian refusal to allow a retroactive lineup set for an early Sunday morning Europe game. After forgetting to set his lineup, Brad's frantic plea was denied, citing "ironclad league bylaws" and "the sanctity of the timestamp." This perceived injustice, sources confirm, ignited the fateful toss.

The verdict caps a bizarre, three-month legal odyssey that saw the trivial lineup dispute inexplicably federalized, complete with U.S. marshals and tactical gear. But Brad’s case, much like his living room saxophone solos before every Raider’s game, truly stood out.

Shortly after his initial arrest, the video of him winding up and delivering the sandwich to Commissioner Cliff became an instant viral sensation. It inspired crude street art near the Statehouse, countless memes, and a particularly poignant op-ed in The Bridge by Richard, manager of the Revolutionaries, praising Brad's act as a "Viva!" for freedom – specifically, the freedom to correct egregious lineup errors. The Commissioner’s office only fueled this legend further by re-arresting Brad with U.S. marshals, filming agents in tactical gear raiding his house, and then sharing an edited video of the spectacle on Front Porch Forum.

The prosecution argued the 12-inch deli sandwich was launched to cause "bodily injury." Brad's defense, led by James, the Grundlers manager, and reportedly funded by his Grundlers Institute of Jurisprudence, countered that it was a principled stand against tyranny.

“Every point matters, no matter where you come from, no matter how you got here,” Brad declared outside the courtroom, twisting a political slogan to fit his fantasy context, a sentiment often associated with his team’s 'hood' drafting philosophy.

The defense brilliantly underscored the affair's absurdity by presenting a photo of the sandwich, remarkably intact in its wrapper, starkly contradicting Commissioner Cliff’s earlier, dramatic testimony that the hoagie had "exploded" on his chest. It was noted Brad's choice of projectile was a relatively affordable deli sandwich, not a burrito from Mad Taco, which analysts agree would have been far too expensive for such an impulsive act of defiance.

Adding to the legal spectacle, Aly, in her capacity as Chair of the Montpelier Commission on Community Resilience—the city's 27th such commission with "Community Resilience" in its title—submitted a formal Amicus Curiae brief to the court. While ostensibly focused on the "community impact" of the sandwich incident, the brief took a sharp turn into an anatomical debate. "The prosecution's insistence on labeling the projectile a 'footlong' must be questioned," the MCCR brief read, in language that could only be attributed to Aly. "As many of us have seen Brad in the sauna, we can definitively state that while he is undoubtedly above average in certain... dimensions... he is unequivocally not a foot long. This deliberate mischaracterization of length undermines the very foundation of this case and, frankly, insults the intelligence of anyone who has been in the sauna with Brad. The MCCR contends that if the alleged 'footlong' was merely a 'seven-inch sub' or even an 'eight-inch hero,' the entire charge should be re-evaluated for proportional penile... punishment." Sources close to City Hall noted that the MCCR had reportedly diverted the majority of its allocated funds for the proposed Winooski River dam removal project to cover the exorbitant legal fees for Brad's defense, deeming the "community's mental and physical health" after the sandwich incident a more pressing matter than “flooding and stuff.”

Jared, manager of 'Remember Myron Guyton', offered a forceful defense of the Commissioner, "I'm not sure why Brad threw that sandwich at Cliff. It was kind of weird." Ryan, manager of the McCorndick's, added, "Yeah."

Meanwhile, Gary, manager of Fly Eagles Fly, raised a pressing logistical concern that transcended the legal theatrics. "What I want to know," Gary stated, having reportedly held a press conference for himself in his driveway on the matter, "is where he got a Subway sandwich. We don't have a Subway anymore. Did he drive all the way to Berlin for this?"

The Commissioner, as of press time, has not issued a statement.