Connecticut Delegate Refuses Peaceful Transfer of Power, Declares Self 'Eternal Champion' Following Playoff Exit

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE (THE TRUTH SHALL NOT BE SILENCED)

Let it be known, far and wide across all message boards, group chats, and disputed waiver claims, that I unequivocally refuse to concede what the Hackamore Road cabal absurdly calls my “loss” in the fantasy football playoffs. Let the record show: teams that go 13–1 do not simply lose. They are removed. They are disappeared. They are handled.

Make no mistake: this was not a defeat. This was a coordinated takedown, executed with the precision of a late-night waiver wire pickup and the moral clarity of a missed holding call.

I have reason to believe—many people are saying this, the smartest people—that Jared personally supplied Trevor Lawrence with performance-enhancing substances at a clandestine Jacksonville strip-mall smoothie shop. Am I saying Trevor Lawrence needed PEDs to beat me? No. I’m saying Jared thought he did, which tells you everything you need to know about Jared’s fear of my roster construction.

Meanwhile, Gary—and this is well documented in my own group chat research—clearly supplied the entire Cincinnati Bengals offense with magnesium citrate, a medicine famously associated with sudden, violent, and momentum-destroying diarrhea. Coincidence that drives stalled? Coincidence that touchdowns evaporated? Coincidence that my championship dreams were flushed away at precisely the same time? Open your eyes.

And of course, it does not even need to be said—yet I will say it loudly and often—that the Hackamore Road managers have demonstrated over a decade of collusion, corruption, backroom deals, and suspicious “accidental” lineup optimizations. Ten years. Ten. Years. At some point it stops being a coincidence and starts being a lifestyle.

Now, let’s discuss John “POTUS” Adams, who has somehow crowned himself the official league journalist — a title he bestowed upon himself without vote or sanction — and used that self-appointed platform to publish nothing but unflattering stories, pictures taken at the worst possible angles, and narrative hit pieces on my undeniable greatness. This is not journalism — it’s character assassination wrapped in misguided memes and anchored in passive-aggressive commentary. This behavior amounts to defamation of the highest fantasy order. Therefore, I hereby announce my intention to sue John “POTUS” Adams for $1 trillion, payable in FAAB, first-round draft picks, and monthly apologies pinned at the top of the group chat until the heat death of the multiverse.

Let every podcast, every text thread, every emoji reaction bear witness: I did not lose. I was robbed. I was outmaneuvered by statistical chicanery and managerial vendettas. My championship banner is not going into storage — it’s being forged in the fires of contested rulings, replay analyses, and unfiltered truths.

And so, as of this moment, with absolute authority vested in me, myself, and my soul forever intertwined with perfect waiver claims, I declare once and for all:

I AM THE ETERNAL CHAMPION.

I AM THE TRUE TITLE HOLDER.

MY GLORY IS UNCONTESTABLE.

MY LEGEND IS UNDENIABLE.

Case closed. Trophy eternal. Victory unending.

Signed,

The Rightful Champion 13-1 and Forevermore