Gundlers Institute Reminds Local Professor That "Buying Low" on Human Beings Remains a Federal Crime 

MONTPELIER, VT –  The night began in triumph. At approximately 10:45 PM on Thanksgiving, Professor McCorndicks—manager of the league’s most volatile franchise—achieved immortality at Charlie-O's World Famous, shattering the high score on the bar’s well loved "Erotic Photo Hunt" machine.

"I was in the zone. I was seeing things mere mortals can't see," McCorndicks told reporters, clutching a crushed can of Mango White Claw like a championship trophy. "The difference between the two photos was a missing hoop earring on a pixelated woman named 'Wendi’, from the Town Clerk special edition. No one else saw it. I saw it. I am a golden god."

But that heightened state of visual acuity would prove to be his financial undoing.

Flush with victory and seven consecutive White Claws, McCorndicks checked his phone and received a notification from the NFL Shop with the subject line: "BLACK FRIDAY DOORBUSTERS: Christian McCaffrey, Bijan Robinson, and More - 60% OFF!"

While most functional adults recognize this as an advertisement for discounted polyester apparel, the Professor—riding a dopamine high from spotting Wendi’s earring—interpreted it as a literal, legally binding liquidation sale of human beings.

"I looked at the email, and I realized the market had crashed," McCorndicks shouted over the jukebox, frantically tapping his screen. "The 49ers are insolvent! They’re liquidating assets! Christian McCaffrey for twenty-five bucks? This is my chance to take down that handsome politician asshole, Leigh, and his team, Leigh’s Team!"

For the next hour, McCorndicks reportedly engaged in a one-sided bidding war against himself. Patrons watched in horror as he entered his credit card information fourteen separate times, shouting "SOLD!" after every click.

The manager of Brady’s Balls, who was attempting to play pool nearby, described the scene as "harrowing."

"He came up to me, eyes wide, smelling like delicious mango, and showed me his checkout screen," Geoff recalled. "He said, 'Read it and weep, Geoff. I just acquired Josh Allen for $19.99 plus shipping. I own him now. The email says In Stock. Dealing with me is going to be a nightmare next week. I’m getting some Hugh Packages.'"

McCorndicks reportedly became belligerent when the site asked for his shipping address, screaming that he didn't want the players "shipped" to his apartment.

"Why would I want CeeDee Lamb in my living room?" he was heard arguing with a bewildered patron. "I want him in my WR1 slot! Just put him in the cloud!"

The Morning After

The euphoria crashed Friday morning when McCorndicks awoke not with a championship roster, but with a confirmed order for $485 worth of "Youth Large" replica jerseys and a novelty helmet snack bowl.

"I have made a severe error in judgment," McCorndicks admitted in a somber voice note to the league group chat, sent from the floor of his bathroom. "I thought I was Moneyball-ing the league. Instead, I am now the proud owner of a Gardner Minshew jersey that I apparently bought because it was a 'two-for-one' doorbuster."

The Gundlers Institute for Chronological Studies issued a brief statement regarding the incident: "While we admire the attempt to exploit late-stage capitalism for fantasy gain, we must remind the Professor that the 13th Amendment prohibits the purchase of wide receivers."

In a final indignity, McCorndicks received an automated follow-up email from the NFL Shop at noon today titled: "You left something in your cart: Marvin Harrison Jr."

"I almost clicked it," McCorndicks confessed. "He's only eighteen dollars. The value is undeniable."