You Haven't Lived Until You've Had My Cousin's Hot Regina 

MONTPELIER, VT – In a rare, stunning display of cross-league unity, managers have unanimously dismissed the upcoming Canadian Football League Grey Cup as "a gay pageant of socialism." The championship, which pits the Montreal Alouettes against the Saskatchewan Roughriders, was roundly mocked for its giant end zones, three-down structure, and the ridiculous points associated with kicking.

This universal apathy, however, has been completely overshadowed by a singular, obsessive new inquiry that has gripped the league's collective imagination: "What, exactly, is a 'hot Regina'?"

The controversy began when the league's Canadian correspondent mentioned the upcoming game, a comment that was met with immediate scorn.

"I’m pretty sure that Canadian football and the entire state of Saskatchewan were invented to troll us," stated Professor McCorndicks. "I’d rather watch DRB meetings on Orca.”

The entire sport was deemed irrelevant until a passing mention was made of the culinary specialty of the Saskatchewan Roughriders' home city. This publication, in the interest of journalistic thoroughness, provided a description from Regina native, Doug.

"Oh, the CFL game is fine, eh? But you're missing the real story," stated the Saskatchewan-based fantasy football analyst. "Regina style pizza. You haven't lived until you've had my cousin's hot Regina on a cold night. She makes the best. It's thick, it's heavy, and it's absolutely loaded with ham, salami, pepperoni, and extra cheese, all piled high. You need two hands to handle this. It's not like that thin stuff from New York City. This is a real pie you can —sink your teeth into."

This glowing, in-depth review of Regina's culinary scene immediately sent shockwaves through the league message board.

“So everyone knows ‘Canadian’ football is a stupid lie Paul made up,” wrote the manager of the Rusty Hambones. "But I have to confess, I’m a little Regina curious. And the way this Doug guy is talking about it? I am very interested. I'd like to get my hands on it, maybe get my face in there and get my Myron Guyton on.”

The league's former champion, Jarred of Nuts Dot Com, weighed in with his own expertise while presumably ignoring his starting lineup of injured wide-receivers. "I'm not surprised by the Doug's enthusiasm. People from Saskatchewan really, really love their cousins," Jarred stated. "I had a college roommate from there. Sweet guy, but you literally couldn't say the word ‘cousin’ without him getting a boner. This whole thing is bringing back some weird memories."

This barrage of analysis sent the manager of Remember Myron Guyton into a spiral,“Joan just asked me why I was sweating and I had to tell her I was thinking about... the economy. This is your fault! Now I have to know: is the crust part of the 'two-hand' situation, or is that just for the toppings? I have to know, so I can explain to Joan what you guys are all talking about!"

A communication was then received from the league's Connecticut-based savant, Leigh. "As a resident of Connecticut, my allegiance is to the charred, asymmetrical perfection of New Haven Apizza," his message read. "I don't truck with... 'thick' pies. However... this analyst's passion for his 'cousin's Regina' is compelling. The description of it 'requiring two hands' implies a structural audacity I find... intriguing. I am reserving judgment."

The manager of Fly Eagles Fly, Gary, immediately seized upon Doug's passion as a sign of strategic genius.

"The league needs to stop focusing on wins-and-losses, like the CFL, and focus on the process of this pizza," Gary stated, presumably from his driveway. "This analyst is showing us what's possible when you commit to a thick, heavy game plan. He's not afraid to put his cousin out there. It's bold. I respect it. This is a victory for toppings."

The manager of the Revolutionaries, Dick Love, offered his own succinct analysis of the entire discourse: "Ay Caramba! Muy piquente!"

As of press time, the Grey Cup remains an object of profound indifference. However, several league members were reportedly seen at Positive Pie, angrily demanding to know why "Regina-style" was not on the menu and if they could "just get their hands on one."